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Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
4:17 am

i dream of places far beyond...

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Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
6:25 pm - last entry
i was driving to nowhere in particular sometime today, which looked to be that sort of day that extends so that the sky and its blue is as far as one could see.

i took hold but the air swept from under me.

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3:01 am
i don't want to look back and see how far i've gone in hitting even. instead, i'll look back on tonight....dancing only a few feet away from Coolio and Mark McGrath (of Sugar Ray) in the VIP area of the pre-BET Awards party with vikki. of course, this was only possible after i helped dress Spinderella ( of Salt N Peppa) the past few days and in turn, put me on her list. but being on somebody's list didn't help a lot of people. alot were just turned away. i'm glad the label i work for was one of the sponsors. it helps in getting me places.

Ketel One vodka should help me fall asleep now.

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Monday, June 24th, 2002
9:09 am
stay awhile and sort out words that i once was to be able to, not too long ago.

only now, it seems as if i'm stumbling to reach what is too high of a low.

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Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
4:52 pm
i don't want to be alone in feeling lonely.

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Friday, June 21st, 2002
11:33 pm - these fleeting moments
you'd think that my day would go smoothly after receiving a pair of assymetrical chloe sunglasses in the mail. but everything...my off-of-work plans of nothing magnified through it's lenses when my car wouldn't start. this is after i drove all the way to work to pick up my check. the problem was an erroded battery conducter that mitra's roadside assistance crew jump-started in the back lot. they're advice for me was to go straight to a pep-boys and have it replaced. but how could i when the battery dies off again just as i start to pull out? it seems as if i can never leave work behind. i was stranded there for a few hours until the mechanic from across the street reluctantly agreed to bring what he said would too many tools to carry. i counted 5 wrenches.

i ended up closing with mitra. i didn't mind though because today was her birthday and dinner at Swingers was planned after a quick tattoo on her foot.

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12:53 pm - well-adjusted
it's strange for the weather to be a bit of a downcast mid-day in june.

wouldn't it be nice to shelve any sort of plan? oh, but you'd have to start from before the beginning.

i don't dwell on things i'm missing...i'm just pleased with the things i've found

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12:39 am
before the blackbook magazine party, i walked over to my car with laughter, almost the same and quite as loud as it was 2 years ago, behind me. we try so hard to hold on to what high school was. some of it is still there.

i left early though as i always do. but what was tonight really good for aside from this buzz i feel from a ketel one martini and a long island?

nothing really.

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Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
11:01 pm
alone again or...i could be damned.

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9:33 pm - simplified beat
i'm not stepping foot in any club if my social life depended on it this weekend.

((mobile rings))

me: here i am.
davin (old high school best friend): hey, how've you been?
me: good, i just got home from work.
davin: what are you up to, boy?
me: nothing.
davin: listen - what are you doing tomorrow?
me: a shoot at 2:00 and the Blackbook Magazine party in the evening, why?
davin: i'm throwing a barbeque over my place.
me: what time?
davin: 7:00
me: i can make it. i probably won't go to the party until 9:00 or 10:00
davin: sounds good.
me: definitely. i'll be there.

i know, but parties differ from clubs in many levels. they usually half-step into a decrescendo. almost like downtempo.

sexy boy: air: etienne de crecy et les flowers pistols mix
everything is alright: four tet
miss fat booty: mos def

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12:49 am
not much can be said. or written. i'm impatient.

like when i signaled right at the corner of highland and santa monica last night...watching cars pass...waiting for the light to change. but there was an old man whose eyes met mine in the next lane to advert my attention when his hands slid lower into his shorts.

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Sunday, June 16th, 2002
10:25 am - sun-drenched cuts
finally: kings of tomorrow:: ibizarre vocal mix
another chance: roger sanchez:: afterlife mix
lovely head: goldfrapp
purple: crustation w. bronagh slevin:: air mix
in the bath: lemon jelly
always: bent
swollen: bent

i think about him so much...and as much as i tell him that...

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Thursday, June 13th, 2002
11:59 pm - the celibate life
i want to be where the past isn't pending...somewhere off the coast of wherever and listen to whatever songs that go something like honey, i want my honey...

all day.

one of these days, i'll climb up the ceiling and end up falling from this feeling.

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11:09 am - moods ecclectic
last night:

hands to heaven: breathe
i'm not in love: 10cc

this morning:

never the same: supreme beings of leisure
superheroes: esthero

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Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
1:43 am
i just wanted to mention that Hedi Slimane is on the cover of Index. i wouldn't mind running into him at the Dior Homme Atelier. or, perhaps, somewhere near his home in Berlin.

i just might when i go to europe in august.

why do i have spare time for this?

first grade teacher's name: skipped that grade
last word you said: "that"
last song you sang: i'm not in love: 10cc
what's in your cd player: manuel's "up" mix
what color socks are you wearing: white
what's under your bed: books, magazines, pictures, statements
what time did you wake up today: 10:30am
where do you want to go?: berlin
what is your career going to be: (fashion) consultant, (fashion) journalist, conceptual designer
where are you going to live?: a loft in the upper east side, and spanish style home los feliz
how many kids do you want?: 2
current hair: full shag
current clothes: private shirt, private distressed and acidwashed pinstriped train conductor jeans
current annoyance: fatigue
current smell: nag champa from burnt this morning
current longing: some sort of response...reassurance...a compliment
current desktop picture: ysl homme rive gauche and dior homme snaps from fall 2001 and spring 2002
current favorite artist: myself
current book: i have 6 on my desk
current worry: meeting deadline
current time-wasting wish: to be able to sleep-in tomorrow
current hate: hate is a word i avoid in my vocabulary
current favorite article of clothing: private floral wallpaper shirt in the vein of miu miu spring
favorite physical feature(s) of the opposite sex: long legs
do you believe in an afterlife?: i'm trying to believe in the one i'm living in
one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: let's not go there
one person you wish was here right now: nobody really. everybody's asleep by now anyway.
a line from the last thing you wrote to someone: that's between me and him...but i'll tell you that i quote both mirah and bjork.

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1:33 am
i'm too spent to be writing a press release...and my deadline is noon tomorrow, or today, i should say. i feel a little pressure because even though this isn't in my job description, i want to do well enough so that it eventually will be. i'm already in charge of our newsletter...that i'm well capable of doing.

i went back to Borders and bought 5 more books. it would've been 6 but i realized that i don't have much of disposable time. also, i didn't want to spend over $80 on paperbacks.

- Before Night Falls, Reinaldo Arenas
- Now And Then, William Corlett
- The Boys On The Rock, John Fox
- The Coming Storm, Paul Russel
- The City Kid, Paul Reidinger


i'm not in love: 10cc
the child: alex gopher
echo's answer: broadcast
high fidelity: daft punk
anywayz: esthero
la depression: pizzicato five
c'est si bon: eartha kitt

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Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
12:53 am - something to talk about
it's nothing special. it's also rather small and you can't even see my face. but now i can say i'm in Vogue. korean vogue, that is. they did a feature on our boutique and there's a picture with me in the background. if only i knew how to read in korean. oh, why bother? it's only a paragraph's worth.

there isn't much to write about tonight.

i can go on about work. how i re-merchandised the whole store to my liking which led me to run across the street after closing and buy one of those disposable cameras. i finished all 27 exposures - taking snaps of racks and display folds in every possible angle. i figure it would be a smart idea to do this type of thing. now i can start a portfolio.

or i could go on about crackers...wheat thins, i should say, with brie, lychee nuts, a couple of bottles of water, leche-gelatin with no sell-by date, and pepperidge farm fingers...a picnic in the trunk of my truck somewhere on top of a hill with a view. it was nice...beautifully, really. i warmed up against him and held his hand...and within an hour, got carried away. but i freaked or something. i went flaccid, among other things.

i don't want to rush things because these things take time. i've said this before and mainly because i've had a lot on my mind lately, he is definitely worth the wait.

i bought a book of gay short stories at borders. this after dinner with vikki at fred's. i have this thing for gay lit. it's like my way of keeping touch with my sexuality...with random stories about lost love or truck-stop sex, the underbelly of homosexuality. i need these fictionalized true-to-life stories because the gay-reality, a generalization of bodyworshippers in glitter, is not mine. i picked up a copy of odyssey, a publication mostly if not all of ads for clubs and pictorials of, earlier today and screamed across the room to mitra something like "80% of my kind is gross."

but i guess you can say the same about every kind.

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Saturday, June 8th, 2002
11:01 pm - alone on this saturday night
i'm giving you lazy, dusty off-shoulder, sun penetrating through an open window...an arm sticks out to feel the breeze, the other on the wheel...right as it goes. you look at each other and you know.

place to be: nick drake
oh well, okay: elliot smith
fall in a river: badly drawn boy
sleeping on roads: neil halstead

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8:07 pm - i remember johnny
me: private
him: hi, i don't think you remember me but i was a customer of yours. i wanted to see if i could drop off a cd i made for you.
me: is this todd?
him: no ::muffle::
me: i'm sorry?
him: it's manuel...i bought some stuff at the store a couple of months ago and we talked, remember? i'm around the area. i wanted to say "hi."
me: oh, of course, i remember you.
him: well, i should be there in 20 minutes. see you soon.

when he left the store that day, i drew about 5 red stars around his name in my clientele book. i even made sure to personally send him a "thank you" email as oppose to one i usually send out to my mailing list. but i never did get a response. he explained today that he had been in new york since. he made me 3 cd's. that was nice of him.

i was pleasantly suprised.

but otherwise, i feel like shit. enough so for me to cancel all plans for tonight.

you know what it is? it's simply like catherine wheel's i want to touch you.

...but you're always out of reach.

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Friday, June 7th, 2002
7:03 pm - leather goods
i will own this Valextra within the next year:

extensible bag, $*,***

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